As most of you know, a year ago today my grandma (Granny) passed away after a seven month battle with Pancreatic cancer. Cancer is something that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. It is a horrible sickness that is absolutely devastating. However, I don't want this post to be about how much I hate cancer(even though I do), but I want it to be about how wonderful my Granny was and what God has taught me through this.
I don't think people understand just how close I was to my Granny. I saw her EVERYDAY of my life until we moved to Memphis about six years ago. Almost every memory I have as a child involves my Granny. Granny and I were just alike, I even am today. I get my feelings hurt over petty things that don't matter. I like to shop. I like the color pink. It takes me forever to tell a story because I like to tell all the little details that don't matter. My mom says that all these things skipped a generation and went straight from Granny to me. I believe it.
Granny loved all five of her grandchildren and would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for them. This would include buying us clothes and toys and fudge rounds. She taught the boys how to drive. She took care of us when we were sick. But the thing that showed she loved us the most was how when one of us was having a hard time she would pray for us. She often didn't know what to say so she would just say, "Lord help em, help em Lord." She would tell us all the time while patting (more like beating) us on the arm, "I love you so good!!" There was never any doubt in my mind that she loved me.
Granny loved to sing. She taught us to sing Amazing Grace, probably her favorite song. I can't sing it today without tearing up and sometimes sobbing like a baby. It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much that song means to me personally. After she passed away, we found some old tapes that she had made. One of them was me and her singing Amazing Grace when I was about four. That song will forever be ingrained in my heart because of her.
My Granny was an outstanding woman. I could write a whole book about her and all the memories I have of her. But I want to talk about her battle. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer on April 1. Not once did she ever verbally ask God why. She constantly said, "I will praise God in the good times and the bad times." She listened to the song Blessed Be Your Name. (
Listen here )
She was at peace the entire time. She understood that God was in control. She also loved the song You Never Let Go.
Grab your tissues. She clung to God during this difficult time. Even when things started to go down hill she still trusted Him, probably more than we did.
During this time, I was somewhat angry with God. I was being selfish and self centered. I was thinking,"This is my senior year and I'm missing out on all the fun things." One perfect example of this was one night our youth group was having a formal night out. I was really looking forward to going, but we ended up staying with my grandparents instead. I was really bummed and upset. I moped around the house all day. That afternoon she called me into her room so I went wondering what she wanted. She just wanted me to lay in the bed with her and hold her hand. So I did. We laid there for about an hour just holding hands. I realized how selfish I was being and I understood that this was one of the last time I would ever do this with her again. Oh what I would do to be able to just hold her hand one more time! This just goes to show how much of a sinner I am. My grandma was battling cancer and loosing and I was thinking about the stupid formal night out I was missing! My heart aches when I think about my selfishness.
On November 18, 2010, two days before my 18th birthday, Granny passed away. I was there and as morbid and horrible as death is, it was one of the most beautiful moments. She took her last breath on earth and her first breath in Heaven. We mourned and grieved that she was no longer with us but rejoiced at the same time that she was not longer in pain. I can honestly say, my heart has never hurt that much in my entire life and I hope it never does again.
Once she passed away, those next few hours were torture to me. Just thinking about them makes me sob with violent tears. Watching the funeral people take her out of the house is forever marked in my memory. I would love to forget that memory.
Two days later, on my 18th birthday, was her funeral and burial. I struggled that day. I just kept thinking about how she should be with us celebrating my birthday. Needless to say, that day was not a great birthday. My heart hurts as I type this since I'm reliving it.
However, through all of this God has taught me amazing things. Before Granny became really sick, I was questioning God. Not many people know this. I kept asking God, "If you're real show yourself to me!" Boy did he ever and not the way that I expected. God has taught me that He is God and most importantly, He is in charge of ALL things. He knows what He's doing. Through my grandmother's life I see how He worked to teach me many things. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loves me and has saved me from the wretched person I am. It was nothing that I did, but all Christ and his amazing grace. I now understand why Amazing Grace was so important to Granny. It told her story. If you have made it this far, I would like for you to take a minute to actually listen to the song. And I mean REALLY listen to it. Listen to the words of the song.
Amazing Grace Have you been saved by God's amazing grace?
Another important lesson this has taught me is that Heaven is all the more sweeter. Before this, I was kind of scared of Heaven. Now because I have a better understanding of God and I have someone waiting their for me, I'm super pumped about Heaven. I'm not sure if this is biblical, but I like to think about her waiting for me and when I get there she'll grab my hand and say, "Come see Jesus!!!" and we'll take off running together down the streets of gold and right up to God and Jesus on the throne. Then we'll fall on our faces together and worship God in the perfect way. Super excited!!
Shortly after she passed away I stumbled across this song.
It is Not Death to Die. This pretty much sums up my thoughts. As we approach Thanksgiving this year, I have so much to be thankful for. One of those is my grandma and how Jesus has concurred death, and to know she is with Him.
If you read all of this, thank you. I have tried to be as honest as possible. I have even mentioned some things that even my parents don't know about. I know I rambled alot, but I have alot on my mind. But as I said in the beginning, I wouldn't wish cancer on anyone. However, I do wish God's overhwelming peace that I know on everyone. It is so amazing, I can't even describe it. God is so holy and wonderful. I could go on for days, but I'll leave you with this.
"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!"
